My dark side, or maybe just me!

I feel trapped, so trapped! Not the optimistic beginning you were hoping for right! They say you get what you manifest, you manifest happiness you produce happiness and the same follows for sadness/ despair. But my question is, can you actually change the way you feel? You can always try, and you can always sugarcoat, but can you altogether change your feeling? I believe, not. Wish there was a switch-off button on the disastrous tornado of feelings in our minds. I’m dissociating man, I feel like the only reason I’m acting normal is so that others (family) don’t feel uncomfortable. I’m trapped inside my own body, my own mind, my own thoughts. It’s like an infinite loop, similar to the one a soul going to hell maybe be punished with. Directionless, ambitionless, emotionless, I don’t know where exactly to go from here. How to break this pattern and get out of this loop. My pride and feminism act as the cherries on top of this humungous pile of existing feelings. Should I be laughing at my condition, is everyone feeling this way? Have we all become such great actors/ con artists that we can completely mask our true feelings, without emitting out even a glimpse of truth! Even if not all the time, does everyone feel this way at least once in their lifetime? I just wanna know if feeling this way is normal, or am I supposed to seek help. Am I acknowledging my feelings or am I exaggerating them and making myself feel worse? You know psychologically :D It's almost been a decade now! Yeah, my 10th anniversary battling with this stupid ass feeling! Should I be proud of myself for staying strong and not giving up even after so long, or should I kick myself in the ass for suffering through this for so long, and still not getting out. I wanted out such a long time ago, you know. Until recently I even believed that every new day counts as a new beginning, a potential change, a potential break-through from this loop. But now, I’m just like whatever!